January 8, 2013

A LETTER FROM A.I.G.

Posted by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Today, American International Group (A.I.G.) issued the following letter to American taxpayers.

Dear American Taxpayers:

In 2008, you paid for a bailout of A.I.G. totalling $182 billion. Today, we are writing to tell you that we’re thinking of suing you.

When we made this decision, we knew we were in for some rough treatment from the media. We’ve been called everything from soulless bloodsuckers to Satan’s scabrous handmaidens, and worse. At A.I.G., though, we have a different name for ourselves: true American heroes.

You see, by suing the same people who bailed out our asses just five years ago, we are standing up for one of the most precious American rights of all: the right to sue someone who has just saved your life.

Let’s say that you’re…

All from the writer who calls herself Free Spirit and blogs at With Unveiled Face. The first line of each section is also the link.

If I have to be encouraged to “share Christ’s love…”

 … I don’t have it to begin with.

Put Up or Shut Up

 If you don’t SHOW them Father’s love,

then don’t be surprised when they don’t believe a word you say.

There is really only one way to touch another life.

Manipulation: Akin To Witchcraft

 If manipulation is a viable option for getting good behavior from another individual, then you’ve got the wrong God.

How Then Shall We Live?

 Heard this today:

We weren’t called to teach the scriptures, we were called to preach Christ.

Also:

Teaching scriptures with the desire to obligate people to a certain set of (“Godly”) expectations is the polar opposite of preaching Christ.
~~~~~~~

I want everything about my…

Bank on these predictions coming true in 2013.  Guaranteed.

(Or your money back.)

Facebook can’t monetize and decides to shut down operations

• Every gray-haired CMO says, “I told you so”
• Zuckerberg announces new social network called Stalkbook for guys to share photos of girlfriends in bikinis
• All the cows die in Farmville

Twitter increases character count to 212,758, which is the same number of words in Moby Dick

• U.S. literacy increases by 74 percent after the first three months
• Online sarcasm dies

Content curators are forced to share revenue with the actual content creators

• Supreme Court laughs like hyenas after hearing the argument that “curation is an art form”
• Curation officially made a synonym of “thievery”
• Ariana Huffington breaks down weeping on “The View”

A celebrity sends out a controversial tweet and retracts it

• Blames the initial tweet on “not keeping up with the news”
• Within hours blames administrative assistant
• Then checks into…